your sos survival guide to facing your relatives this holiday season

Featuring exact timestamps for escape, Squid Game facts for deflection, and the scientific art of strategic dish-washing.

I spend most of my life analyzing how stories unfold on screen, but nothing has prepared me for the white-knuckle thriller that is holiday season social dynamics. Annual questions such as “when are you going to finally settle down?” have more dramatic tension than a Succession season finale, and my strategic exits require the kind of timing usually reserved for heist movie getaway drivers.

So I made this guide for you - my brutally honest guide to surviving this year’s family holidays.

Whether you need the perfect Squid Game Season 2 facts to shield yourself from career interrogations, or the exact timestamp for when to start washing dishes (spoiler: it's when anyone mentions crypto), I've got you. Because if the next few weeks are going to feel like they were written by Jesse Armstrong, we might as well nail our escape scenes.

Happy holidays and may the force be with you.

📚 A HELPFUL NAVIGATION 📚

• CONVERSATION ESCAPE ROUTES

• SURVIVAL TACTICS FOR INTROVERTS

• THE PARENT-PROOF WATCHLIST

• EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS

• THE "THIS IS ACTUALLY HELPFUL" SECTION

• BONUS: THE HOLIDAY BINGO CARD

---

CONVERSATION ESCAPE ROUTES

5 Squid Game Facts That'll Save You From Career Talk (And What's Coming in Season 2)

The universe has gifted us the perfect conversation deflector this holiday season. Squid Game returns December 26th, just when we need an escape route from questions about our life choices. While your relatives are still processing a show where people play children's games to the death, here are five genuinely fascinating details about Season 1 that'll redirect any professional probing:

The old man's deception runs deeper than anyone caught first time around - Player 001's file was mysteriously missing from the game records, the killer robot doll never actually scanned him during Red Light Green Light, and he had them recreate his exact childhood neighborhood for the marble game. A level of career planning that makes your aunt's suggestions about LinkedIn seem quaint in comparison.

Ever notice how Sae-byeok switches accents? Actor Jung Ho-yeon learned to mask her North Korean dialect around the other players but lets it slip when she's with her brother - an impressive feat considering this was her first-ever acting role. She went from rookie actress to global Louis Vuitton ambassador, which happens to pair nicely with deflecting questions about your own career trajectory.

The show's creator lived the ultimate underdog story, spending a decade getting rejected by studios who called it "too bizarre" while surviving off selling his laptop. The Front Man actor Lee Byung-hun gets a clever nod in Episode 6 when Ji-yeong quotes his famous line from Inside Men. And those coffin-like boxes they put eliminated players in? They're identical to the birthday present Gi-hun gives his daughter - a detail that hits harder than your relatives' concerns about your five-year plan.

As for Season 2, Gi-hun returns with his symbolic red hair and player number 456, now armed with insider knowledge about the game's machinery. He's joined by K-pop star Yim Si-wan and Park Sung-hoon, while the Front Man's return promises deeper exploration of power structures - though by now, everyone at dinner should be too invested in theories about Gi-hun's revenge tour to remember they were supposed to be grilling you about graduate school.

Hugh Grant films to reference when your aunt asks why you're still single

Hugh Grant's filmography provides an arsenal of responses that say "I have standards" without saying "I'm judging all of you." His journey from floppy-haired stammerer to silver fox who gleefully torpedoes his own public image offers a masterclass in evolving past society's expectations while maintaining impeccable hair.

For When Your Aunt Says "You're Just Too Picky"

About A Boy (2002) - Will Freeman's transformation from self-absorbed bachelor to accidental mentor proves that waiting for personal growth beats settling for Netflix-and-mediocrity. Plus, nothing says "I'm working on myself" like watching a man learn basic humanity from a 12-year-old while maintaining perfect stubble.

For The "But You Were So Cute With [Insert Ex's Name]" Commentary

Notting Hill (1999) - The tale of a bookshop owner who dates literally Julia Roberts but still maintains his identity and friend group. Deploy this when you need to remind everyone that you'd rather wait for someone who appreciates your weird friend circle than compromise on authenticity. The stammering comes free.

When They Suggest You're "Too Career-Focused"

Music & Lyrics (2007) - A washed-up 80s pop star finds love while wearing leather pants and writing songs about Buddha. Clear evidence that success can strike at any age, and that Drew Barrymore will eventually find you if you just keep practicing your synthesizer.

For The "Maybe You're Too Intimidating" Crowd

Bridget Jones's Diary (2001) - Daniel Cleaver, the walking red flag who somehow makes terrible workplace behavior seem charming. Use this to demonstrate your ability to recognize toxic traits wrapped in a good accent. "See? I could date someone terrible who looks great in glasses, but I choose not to."

Nuclear Option: For When They Won't Stop Asking

Love Actually (2003) - The Prime Minister of Britain falls in love with his staff member while dancing to The Pointer Sisters. Point out that if the actual PM can find time to date while running a country, you can take your time while managing your sourdough starter and Duolingo streak.

The Power Move: For Those Who've Given Up Subtlety

Paddington 2 (2017) - Grant plays a narcissistic actor who disguises himself as a nun. Remind them that if Hugh can go from stammering romantic lead to playing a theatrical villain who steals from bears and rocks pink prison uniforms, you too contain multitudes. And you're willing to wait for someone who appreciates them.

The Coup de Grâce

The Gentlemen (2019) - Grant as a scheming tabloid reporter with a questionable accent and zero redemption arc. Perfect for demonstrating that you've moved past requiring happy endings and are now into complex character studies. Nothing ends invasive questioning quite like discussing Guy Ritchie's directing choices over turkey.

7 foolproof conversation starters about House of the Dragon for when your uncle starts talking about politics (because fantasy politics > real politics)

Nothing derails an uncle's impending political monologue quite like the intricate bloodshed of House Targaryen. When you sense that dreaded pivot toward current events coming (usually somewhere between the turkey and pie), deploy these 7 conversation starters about House of the Dragon. The beauty lies in how the show's political machinations mirror our own - but with dragons, which makes everything more palatable over dinner.

• "The whole green vs. black conflict really puts our two-party system in perspective. At least our politicians aren't feeding each other to dragons... yet." [Insert knowing pause for effect]

• "Wild how Alicent's green dress at that wedding was basically a medieval declaration of war. Makes modern political fashion scandals look quaint in comparison."

• "The small council scenes feel like watching C-SPAN but if everyone had swords and centuries-old grudges. Much more efficient than filibusters."

• "Rhaenys bursting through the floor with her dragon during Aegon's coronation - now that's what I call disrupting the peaceful transfer of power."

• "The Targaryens married each other to keep their dragon-riding bloodline pure, which somehow still isn't the strangest dynasty-preservation tactic in history."

• "Interesting how they made Alicent more sympathetic in the show than the books. She's less 'evil stepmother' and more 'woman trapped by patriarchal power structures' - but let's discuss that dragon scene instead of modern parallels."

• "Remember when everyone was mad about the time jumps in season one? Now imagine if modern elections lasted that long."

SURVIVAL TACTICS FOR INTROVERTS

Films that are long enough to justify missing dinner but not so long that anyone worries

You won’t find salvation in the quick Netflix comedy special but in the cinematic epics - those prestigious time-consumers that family members respect too much to interrupt. The sweet spot exists between "concerning isolation" and "cultural enrichment," and these films hit it with surgical precision.

• Lawrence of Arabia (1962) - The gold standard of excuse cinema clocks in at 3 hours and 42 minutes of sand-swept vistas. Your family's respect for this film's seven Academy Awards prevents them from questioning your extended absence, while the intermission provides a natural moment to prove you haven't actually fled the premises.

• RRR (2022) - 3 hours and 2 minutes of S.S. Rajamouli redefining what action cinema can achieve while making Marvel set pieces look like student films. The interval provides a built-in opportunity to prove you're still breathing while grabbing more snacks for the second half's escalating spectacle.

• The Irishman (2019) - 3 hours and 29 minutes of Scorsese reminding everyone that Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are still Robert De Niro and Al Pacino. The de-aging tech provides enough conversation fodder to distract from your tactical retreat, while the complex timeline of Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance offers plausible deniability for anyone who "needs to rewatch certain scenes for clarity."

• JFK (1991) - 3 hours and 26 minutes of Oliver Stone turning conspiracy theories into high art through rapid-fire editing and Kevin Costner's unwavering belief in the power of hand gestures. The documentary footage mixed with dramatizations provides cover for multiple rewatches - after all, you're just trying to understand American history.

• Magnolia (1999) - 3 hours and 8 minutes of interconnected Los Angeles anxiety set to Aimee Mann songs. Paul Thomas Anderson's opus offers enough narrative threads to justify multiple viewings, while the emotional intensity provides cover for any subsequent need to "process quietly."

Pro tip: Start any of these films exactly 3.5 hours before a scheduled family activity. The combination of runtime and post-film "processing time" creates a perfect buffer zone of solitude without triggering wellness checks.

How to perfect the "I'm just stepping out for fresh air" exit (as demonstrated by every protagonist in a period drama ever)

The Basic Moves

Your exit speed needs the precision of a Wes Anderson tracking shot - deliberate yet somehow whimsical. A casual "need some air" works at normal walking pace, while anything faster transforms you into Timothée Chalamet at the end of Call Me By Your Name, and nobody needs that energy at a family gathering.

Move like Saoirse Ronan in Little Women - determined but dignified, as if you're about to revolutionize American literature instead of diving into a Reddit rabbit hole about whether Nicolas Cage actually method-acted his way through Face/Off.

The Props

Modern escape artists need modern tools:

• An empty wine glass (the Succession-core approach to strategic wandering)

• A dog needing an urgent walk (while your own screen time rivals a chronically online teenager's)

• The classic "work emergency" phone call (somehow always from the one colleague who understands the art of perfect timing)

• AirPods in, suggesting the kind of important call that would impress even Jeremy Strong's Kendall Roy

• A package that demands immediate attention (Amazon's gift to the socially overwhelmed)

The Locations

Scout your territory like a Safdie brothers protagonist planning their exit:

• The garden bench: visible enough to maintain plausible deniability, hidden enough to finish a podcast episode

• The driveway sweet spot: where WiFi meets witness protection program

• The back porch: equipped with that one loose board acting as your personal perimeter alarm

• The garage: where "organizing holiday decorations" becomes performance art

Advanced Techniques

• Plant articles about "wellness walks" in the family group chat with the strategic timing of a Nancy Pelosi stock trade

• Develop a reputation for solving problems during outdoor breaks, like a corporate Miranda Priestly who just happens to need air

• Master the return face with the quiet satisfaction of Daniel Day-Lewis completing a method acting challenge

The true art of the fresh air exit is transforming momentary absence into a persona so compelling that your family starts taking their own strategic breaks. Good luck.

THE PARENT-PROOF WATCHLIST

Because nothing says "family bonding" like collectively judging someone else's artistic choices while avoiding eye contact during unexpected scenes that nobody warned you about.

• Ford v Ferrari (2019) - The rare dad film that isn't about war. Matt Damon and Christian Bale turn corporate car drama into high art while your father explains combustion engines to anyone within earshot. Contains zero moments where you need to suddenly remember you have dishes to wash.

• Hidden Figures (2016) - Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, and Janelle Monáe make math look cooler than Marvel fight scenes. The kind of historical drama where everyone learns something while pretending they totally knew about these NASA pioneers all along.

• Going in Style (2017) - Three screen legends commit grand larceny with the combined charm of a century of Hollywood behind them. Michael Caine delivers exposition like he's still teaching Batman how to disappear, while Morgan Freeman and Alan Arkin perfect the art of the geriatric heist.

• Searching (2018) - John Cho proves that watching someone use a computer for two hours can be riveting cinema. The rare thriller that your tech-adverse mother will follow without asking you to explain what Gmail is.

• Galaxy Quest (1999) - Alan Rickman in a rubber forehead prosthetic delivers more genuine emotion than most Oscar nominees. The perfect film for families split between sci-fi nerds and people who pretend they're above sci-fi while secretly knowing all the Star Trek captains.

• The Good Liar (2019) - Helen Mirren and Ian McKellen engage in the world's most sophisticated game of cat and mouse, proving that British accents make everything seem more intelligent.

• Unstoppable (2010) - Tony Scott turns a runaway train into a masterclass in sustained tension. Denzel Washington and Chris Pine versus physics and corporate negligence, with every minute ramping up the stakes. The rare disaster film that doesn't need CGI destruction to keep everyone holding their breath.

• A Perfect Murder (1998) - Michael Douglas and Gwyneth Paltrow in a Hitchcockian thriller that keeps finding ways to turn the screws. The type of film where everyone thinks they've spotted the twist, only to realize they're three steps behind. Watch your mum side-eye your dad's life insurance policy afterward.

EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS

The exact moment to start doing dishes to avoid certain conversations

Every family gathering has That Moment™ - like when your cousin starts explaining crypto for the fourth time. The dishes, those gleaming porcelain lifeboats in your sea of social obligation, await. But timing is everything. Like Florence Pugh's perfectly calculated smile-to-scowl transitions in Don't Worry Darling, your escape must be precisely orchestrated.

The Strategic Timing Matrix

The Pre-Emptive Strike (7:42 PM): Start collecting plates the moment someone says "Speaking of the economy..." This is your Nancy Meyers protagonist moment - efficient, purposeful, and somehow still managing to look effortlessly put-together while stacking gravy-soaked dishes. The key is to appear helpful rather than avoidant, channeling your inxner Monica Geller with just a dash of Wednesday Addams' strategic withdrawal skills.

The Desert Storm (8:15 PM): As dessert plates emerge and sugar kicks in, political opinions become as abundant as Taylor Swift easter eggs in a music video. This is prime dish-clearing territory. Move with the decisive energy of Jeremy Strong picking up an Emmy, but maintain the casual air of Pedro Pascal grabbing coffee.

The Last Resort (9:03 PM): When all else fails and someone starts a sentence with "I read on Facebook...", deploy the nuclear option: "These dishes won't do themselves!" delivered with the conviction of Brian Cox delivering a Succession monologue. Extra points for adding "I insist" while already halfway to the kitchen, channeling the polite-but-absolute authority of Paul Hollywood refusing a handshake.

Advanced Techniques

The Collaborative Escape: Draft an ally by making meaningful eye contact across the table - the kind shared between survivors in The Last of Us. A synchronized dish-clearing operation provides both cover and an excuse for private conversation about what just happened in the dining room.

The Extended Operation: Master the art of making dish-washing last exactly as long as necessary. Channel your inner Martin Scorsese - if he can make three-hour films feel essential, you can stretch scrubbing a casserole dish into an epic of similar proportions. The secret is in the details: water temperature adjustments, soap redistribution, the occasional contemplative stare at a particularly stubborn stain.

Pro tip: Like Greta Gerwig staging a perfect scene transition in Barbie, your exit must feel both inevitable and surprising. The dishes are your ticket to temporary sanctuary, your plastic-wrapped portal to peace. Use them wisely, and may the odds be ever in your favor (wrong franchise, but the sentiment stands).

THE "THIS IS ACTUALLY HELPFUL" SECTION

How to make any leftover edible (according to Stanley Tucci)

Read on to get some actually useful tips for the holiday season (thank you Stanley & TikTok!!) and a bonus bingo card. You’re going to need it to keep yourself sane.